An Interview with Stefanie Barthmare
I don’t think I’ve ever been as excited for an interview on my site as I am today with this one. If you have been a long time reader of my blog, follow me on Insta-stories or know me in real life, you know I am a huge proponent of therapy. I think everyone should go to therapy – whether you think you have “issues” or not. And spoiler alert – we all have issues.
I have been in therapy on and off for the last decade. I could write an entire book on why I love therapy so much and why I think it’s so beneficial.
Stefanie Barthmare, MEd, LPC entered my life about 10 months ago via a recommendation from a dear friend of mine, and she has changed my life in so many ways.
I’ve raved about Stefanie on Instagram multiple times, I have referred her to many of you and lots of my friends, and everyone who goes to her has the same thoughts. She’s like magic, guys.
One of the ways I describe it is I will tell Stefanie a whole long winded, jumbled mess of words (and fast because, well, I talk fast – but she can keep up with me!!), and somehow she takes what I say, makes sense of it, and then says it back to me in the most articulate way, and it’s exactly what I was thinking but couldn’t figure out how to say. She has a gift, and she’s been a gift to me. She is the most insightful, intelligent woman and I am so grateful she’s in my life.
And now I am so so so thrilled to bring you an interview with this woman, this gem, this incredible human, Stefanie Barthmare. Keep on reading and enjoy!
Tell us a bit about your background.
I started my career teaching English and Language Arts to 7th graders after graduating from The University of Texas, Austin in the late 80’s. Yes, I am that old. I quickly realized that teaching middle schoolers was not my calling. So I focused on raising my sons and going back to graduate school at The University of Houston where I studied counseling psychology, pursuing a professional counseling licensure. I have been trained in a number of therapeutic modalities and have worked with individuals, couples and families for almost two decades.
What is your favorite part of being a psychotherapist? Most rewarding? Most challenging?
Best part about being a therapist is the honor of being let into the most intimate spaces of a person’s life.
The most rewarding aspect of my job is that I get to have real conversations with fascinating people all day long. Meaning when I’m in session with someone it’s a no BS zone. People pay me to help them understand their internal world and make sense of what is happening. I take that responsibility seriously and try to use every minute wisely. And the truth is, I’d much rather a have a meaningful, hard conversation than make small talk any day.
The most challenging part of my work? Not everyone is ready to make changes, even though they are sitting in my office. Try as I might to highlight what’s happening, sometimes people are not hearing me nor do they have the awareness to make use of what I’m saying. For example, if you are in therapy because someone else asked you to, it might be difficult to see your part in a repetitive (unproductive) relationship dynamic. That makes my job hard. Light bulb moments don’t happen in every session, which is ok, but sometimes, I replay moments of a session where I imagine how I might have done something differently if I could do the session over again. I have to practice letting go of the outcome and accepting that every person has their own pace for doing internal work. I am not in charge of what someone gets out of therapy, but I sure do like to add value to every hour I spend with a person (or couple).
What advice would you give someone wanting to become a psychotherapist?
Do your own work. The more you know yourself, the clearer you can be with the people you are working with. What does that mean? Go to therapy. Get involved in a support or process group. Go to a 12 Step meeting. Learn about your own family’s dynamics. Knowing your role in your family, how you relate to others and what triggers you will go a long way in keeping the space clear between you and those you work with.
What inspires you on a daily basis?
The way people can feel such intense pain and be in the middle of emotionally complex situations and still take the kids to school and make grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner; the way people grieve the loss of parents and marriages and beloved pets and get up on a dark winter morning, cup of coffee in hand, and go to work; the way people are willing to come to therapy because they haven’t lost hope for a better more fulfilling life; the way people all seem to want deeply satisfying and connected relationships and hang in there, and show up week after week to uncover the obstacles that get in the way of those relationships.
How do you separate your work life (which includes having multiple conversations with people going through different things in their lives) and your personal/home life?
I don’t really keep it separate. I remember a woman I worked with many years ago sharing this with me, “The thing that I find most valuable about being in therapy with you, Stefanie, is I don’t just feel like I’m a case, or another person who’s problems you listen to. I feel like I’m a real person who matters to you.” (Editor’s Note: This is SO true about Stefanie. She has checked in on me after sessions, I have texted her after sessions if something is still on my mind and she responds so thoughtfully, and she truly thinks about you and your situation while at home and will come back to the next session having given it all more thought with even more insights. Like I said, she’s a gem.) I’ve never forgotten her words and they inspire me to remember that every person I see is facing a unique set of challenges they are relying on me to help them sort out. Every person is inviting me into their heart and I am either fully engaged in the process or I am of little help. This is a privilege and a responsibility that I take seriously.
I know you love quotes as much as I do so this might be hard to narrow down, but what are three of your all time favorite quotes?
Yes, I totally love words of wisdom. I hear and read amazing stuff all the time.I keep a running list on my IG account (@stefaniebarthmare), but if I had to share just three right now, I’d go with these:
”To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.” -Mary Oliver (from In Blackwater Woods)
”The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved, but only outgrown.” -Carl Jung
”Let everything happen to you, beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.” -Rainer Maria Rilke
What are your favorite books that you think anyone would benefit from reading?
Living An Examined Life, James Hollis
The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupere
The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship, David Whyte
I could write an entire essay on why and how each of these books has impacted me, and the gems of wisdom contained in each. But, that might ruin the mystery. So, I’ll let you explore them for yourself.
What advice would you give you 25 year old self? Meaning any words of wisdom you can share with my readers?
Hmmm… that’s a tough question. Every life experience changes us, teaches us and humbles us, if we’re paying attention. I mean, sure, I’d do many things differently if I knew then what I know now. I just don’t know how I could know what I know without going through what I have gone through to get here.But, in the spirit of giving my 25 year old self a little pep talk I might say, “Take more risks. Have some fun. It’s ok to say no, even if other people don’t understand why. Let other people pick up the slack, even though they won’t do it the way you might. Take your time. Trust yourself. There’s no rush to figure it all out. You’ve got this, even when it feels scary and hard and uncomfortable.”
What is one of the most important lessons you have learned in life?
That’s a big question. My answer changes every day. Today I’m listening to the audible version of the book by John C. Maxwell called “The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth,” and I’m feeling inspired by Maxwell’s work which leads me into today’s lesson: When I got to work this morning a colleague asked me, “How was your weekend?” I told him, it was fine, and asked him the same question. But then I felt flat, disinterested and disengaged from his intent, which was to check in and establish a rapport from which to begin our work on a newsletter for patients. So, I decided to stop and ask him if we could start our conversation again and ask each other another a different question. He was game.
So I said, “What was the biggest take away from your weekend?” He went on to tell me how the bachelor party he had gone to reemphasized to him how glad he was to be out of the “college days” mentality and how happy he was with his relationship with his wife. What a far cry from the perfunctory “fine” we had begun with. I was re energized and had a lot more free attention to focus on the project at hand and more interest in what he was saying.
So, today’s life lesson? We are always one question away from a different life. What will you do to stay more connected, engaged and alive in your life today?
And there you have it, guys! Hope you loved this interview as much as I did. Stefanie and I are also talking about doing a podcast episode for Hashtag No Filter, so stay tuned!
Photo borrowed from Unsplash