Hi guys! I couldn’t be more thrilled to “hand over the keyboard” today to a dear friend of mine. Carly Waxman Dolberg is someone I’ve known for almost 20 years. We first met when I was living in Cleveland my sophomore year of high school (shout out to Orange High School folks!) and stayed in touch on and off throughout the years. Most recently we both moved back to South Florida, and I could not be more excited to be living 20 minutes from her now!
ANYWAY, the reason she’s here on julielauren.com today is because she’s sharing her story with postpartum depression. I am so happy that Carly is on the other side now, and I am so amazed by her strength and courage. I hope Carly’s words below help those of you who are going through something similar. I know it wasn’t easy to share this and I can imagine how emotional it was to relive it, and I am so honored Carly wanted to share her story on my site. Keep on reading. xoJulie
Out of the Dark
As women, we typically have a plan for everything in our lives: jobs, careers, partners. Most of us also like to have control of that plan, and when things don’t go as planned, it messes with our minds. At least this has been my experience.
When I got pregnant with my first child, EVERYTHING was in my control. I got pregnant when I wanted (for which I feel extremely fortunate) and had the easiest pregnancy and delivery. Aside from the fact that my daughter, Sienna, did not want to come out on her own and required me to have a C-Section at 41 weeks. I had the easiest recovery and motherhood soon became, hands down, the best experience of my life. What I imagined my first baby and becoming a mother to be was exactly what Sienna was. I was in this constant euphoric state where nothing could interfere with the happiness I felt. She was an easy baby; she slept through the night at six weeks, nursed like a champ, she was absolutely stunning, and we could bring her anywhere and she would be happy. I loved showing her off, bringing her around town, taking hundreds of photos of her daily, and posting them all over social media. Because that’s what everyone does, right? Takes and shares photos of ONLY their perfect lives, white picket fences, everything coming up roses all the time? The real shit is rarely portrayed, especially taboo things like postpartum depression or big bumps in the road.
I am (very emotionally) writing about what happened next, not only to get my story out there, but to share my experience for mothers going through anything similar to what I went through this past year. My second baby, Maya, is turning one on July 18, and I am NOW ready to tell my story, my second experience becoming a mother.
Let me begin with my pregnancy with Maya. Everything began the same as my first. I was very nauseous for 12 weeks, had no appetite, but it was smooth sailing with the exception of some fatigue and regular aches and pains. After all, I was also chasing after a wild toddler and had little time to care for myself. However, at my 32-week sonogram, I had an eye-opening and terrifying experience. The ultrasound technician said, “Ok, don’t freak out, but I am going to call the doctor in here.” I obviously freaked out and started panicking – and to make matters worse, I was there alone without my husband. She said to the doctor, “Do you see something with the baby’s eye? There is some asymmetry. Look in all the views.” The doctor said that I would need to get an MRI with a maternal-fetal medicine specialist and they sent me straight there. Once I got there, the specialist did another ultrasound and said that she didn’t see anything wrong. She said, “The baby is getting bigger; they all look squished on the 4D sonograms. You are fine.” And they sent me home. For the next seven weeks, I did not sleep well. I knew something was wrong – mothers all have a powerful gut instinct, after all. On the day of my scheduled C-section, I remember crying to everyone; I was so nervous. When they took Maya out, I heard crying right away (a good sign!) and one of the pediatricians came over quickly and said, “She looks great!” I was semi-relieved. A few minutes went by and they still hadn’t handed her to me yet. At this point, I knew something had to be wrong. The pediatrician came back over and told me she wasn’t opening one of her eyes. That is when I started to panic.
The next couple of days in the hospital were stressful. I was crying, I was scared, I barely slept. Maya was latching, doing everything she was supposed to, but there was still this slight issue with the appearance of her eye. Her right eye was bulging compared to the left. Also, I began to notice that Maya’s head was slightly misshaped, which I found strange because she was a C-section baby. The doctor who delivered my baby did tell me, though, that Maya was positioned sunny side up with her head against my pelvis while being delivered. However, I was scared. Eventually, the pediatrician sent in a neurosurgery resident who ordered an MRI. The MRI came back normal – thank GD. When Maya was ready for discharge, the doctors at the hospital recommended she follow up with a neurosurgeon at two weeks. Well, you can imagine how the next two weeks went. I was angry every day and I was sad. I had a panic attack where I had to go to the ER causing my blood pressure to spike. I just wanted to know that my baby was going to be ok and for someone to tell me why this was happening.
At two weeks old, Maya had her follow up appointment with the neurosurgeon. He saw her for barely two seconds and immediately asked us to come into his office. He said, “ I have good news and bad news. The good news is this is textbook right coronal craniosynostosis. The bad news is she will need surgery, but it is very routine.” There was also a chance that when Maya was a little older she could require another procedure to correct any residual asymmetry. This meant that, in utero, one of Maya’s sutures in her skull prematurely fused causing asymmetry in her forehead and in her right eye. Although this diagnosis is rare, I am finding it more common than I originally thought. If you are obsessed with ‘Bravo’ like I am, you might have just seen in the media that Teddi Mellencamp’s new baby also has craniosynostosis. It is something that can happen sporadically; it does not mean something is wrong or will affect a child developmentally. Thank GD that with modern medicine, this condition is treatable and fixable.
I am also so lucky for my friend from high school who basically saved my soul and my life this year. He is a gifted neurosurgeon that I was lucky enough to have operate on my baby. I would never have survived this year without him. He is not only an incredible surgeon but also an amazing friend (you know who you are and you truly are a hero). And so, at three weeks old, Maya had her first procedure to reopen the suture. The surgery was a success. I was shocked to see first hand how resilient babies can be. My three-week-old baby went under anesthesia and recovered like a champ. We were in the hospital for only a day! She would then have to wear a helmet to help shape her skull for around eight months.
I was ashamed, scared, and embarrassed. I kept this a secret from friends and family and I distanced myself from them. I distanced myself from my husband. I was angry and mean to my incredibly supportive family that was there for me day and night. I forgot how to communicate. I was unmotivated. I became extremely depressed, asking myself, “What did I do to deserve this?” I cried daily. I lost my sense of self. I did not recognize who I was anymore. I was irritable towards Sienna, and I resented having a baby when I did. I convinced myself that I should have waited to have another baby and thought that maybe if I did, this would not have happened. I was irrational and sad; my emotions were out of control. I felt guilty. I blamed myself. I would replay my pregnancy and moments in my life to think about what I could’ve done wrong. I hid Maya from everyone. Any chance I had to stay home with her, I did. I convinced myself that when people looked at her, they thought something was wrong. When in reality, she was a perfect, healthy, beautiful baby and I was lucky to have her.
There are so many terrible things in this world that happen to people, to babies; why didn’t I see it? I had developed extreme postpartum anxiety and was constantly convincing myself that something was wrong with Maya, even though she was a completely healthy, typical baby aside from this bump in her road. There were times where I convinced myself that she was deaf. Another time, I had a panic attack because she got her molars early. If she cried or was fussy I assumed something was wrong, when really, what baby doesn’t cry? I would sit on my phone constantly looking at social media of perfect babies, googling Maya’s diagnosis, only finding the scariest photos and articles, and driving myself crazy. I would tell my parents and sister not to take photos of Maya and if they did, to delete them. I would not let my husband take photos of her. I would take photos of Maya and then study them all day and night to see which ones looked “weird” and which ones looked perfect so I could post the perfect ones, hiding my truth. Why couldn’t I appreciate the beautiful baby I had? Why didn’t I see what everyone else saw? Why, when I looked at her, did I only see the asymmetry? Why did this happen? I now see that the reality was that I was lucky. I was lucky to get pregnant easily. I was lucky to birth a HEALTHY baby. I was lucky that the condition my baby had is treatable and fixable. I was lucky to have a healthy family, a wonderful loving husband, and an amazing network. Postpartum anxiety and depression is real; it caused all of these painful and irrational thoughts and sentiments and it was scary.
On June 22, Maya had her second surgery. She had some residual asymmetry in the skull and on her face that required correction. Although this was a bigger surgery requiring a 3-night hospital stay, I for some reason felt like this was the end of this chapter and a new beginning. This door was finally closing as another was now opening. I felt like I was now out of the dark thanks to the support of my family, friends, amazing surgeons, and therapy that led to my shift in perspective and my newfound optimism in Maya’s, and my, next chapter. The surgery could not have gone better. My strong angel recovered like a champ and was on the go again within a week. She is rocking her new buzzed haircut and looks as beautiful as ever. Her headband game is even stronger now.
Maya Pearl Dolberg, you have given me strength I never knew I had. You have shown me unconditional love during my darkest days. You have taught me that flaws in life are beautiful lessons to be learned. You gave me air when I felt like I could not breathe. You have taught me that life is the most precious gift of all time. During the toughest, hardest year I have ever experienced, you have taught me how to love and feel loved again. You reminded me how to smile when I never thought I could again, and I will be forever grateful for you. You are the strongest girl I know. You have never stopped amazing me. In your short year of life, you have recovered from two surgeries, lived in three states, are witnessing a crazy pandemic, and have made our family complete. You are the most beautiful baby, and my heart is so full because of you. I will forever be sorry for the sadness and dark days I felt during your first year of life, but I promise, my little baby, that I will spend the rest of my life loving you so much and making up for it. I am so proud to be your mommy. You and your sister are my greatest accomplishments.
To all the moms out there struggling: It does not matter what the situation may be; know that you are all rock stars. Being a mother is the hardest job in the entire world. There is no right or wrong way to do it. It is an intimidating job. Days can feel long and hard. Every pregnancy is different. Every baby is different. Every experience is different, and that is OK. Do not compare children or experiences. If you are struggling, recognize that you may need to seek help. Don’t wait for the sadness and anxiety to go away on its own. Don’t shut people out; let them help you. Don’t let anyone tell you to snap out of it. What you’re feeling is valid. Don’t put a timeline on yourself to feel better. There is no timeline for feelings. Cut out negativity. Social media is an ally or enemy, and if right now it’s an enemy, delete it. Get therapy. Understand that this is temporary, and you will one day feel better. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The dark days will come to an end. It has taken me a lot of help through (therapy, medication, and support from my closest friends and family) to get to where I am today. I am still speaking to a therapist, I still have hard days, and that is all OK. I hope that I am, in turn, able to help mothers everywhere with my story, who suffer from depression, anxiety, and insecurity. Life can throw us some major curveballs. Let’s be honest; for most, this year has been a never-ending game of curveballs. You can get through it.
Learn from the tough times; find the beauty in the asymmetry.
Thank you to everyone who helped me get through this crazy year. You know who you are and I love all of you so much. I also want to give a big shout out to my family: Jordan, Sienna, Maya, and of course our dog, Boomer. You guys are my whole world. I would not know how to laugh or smile again if it was not for all of you. I love you.
YOU ARE SUCH A GORGEOUS INSPIRATION CARLY! So proud of you for sharing your story! <3